Toeing a line between excuse and reality

It’s been exactly one week since I started BFF’s plan. Well…I guess almost a week. Last Friday, I was super pumped up with some music I found on Spotify that I got home and decided to go for a run. Not the best run in the world, but a run nonetheless. And then Saturday was when the real ass-kicking began.

I have vigilantly weighed, measured, and tracked what has gone in my mouth, while continuing to exercise (and not increasing calories by whatever FitBit/MyFitnessPal told me I burned). Then my schedule was thus:

Saturday – 2-mile run with BFF

Sunday – 4(ish)-mile run with BFF

Monday – Couldn’t move, so rest day

Tuesday – Short morning strength session

Wednesday – Short morning strength session + evening Vinyasa (super challenging)

Thursday – Short morning strength session

Friday (today) – rest day + cheat meal

Friday is also my traditional weigh-in day. After all the effort put in this week, I was anxious to hop on the scale. I woke up, emptied out (ahem), and hopped on. And…


Up 0.6#.

I was both shocked and not at all surprised. I mean, what has been my pattern recently, anyway? Exert effort, body works doubletime to shut it off. What it FEELS like is that I’ve just messed around so long with diet and exercise that now just everything is out of whack and nothing wants to work. The level of frustration just exploded.

And then I had what is most likely my final WW coaching call (I ended up canceling/nonrenewing, effective next week). And while Coach LG was very nice and helpful, her reaction to the weight gain was more of “What could be happening?” than going for “What did you do wrong?”

Which is fine. Which is what they’re supposed to do. But I also feel like the “What could be happening?” question just kind of gives you something to blame the gain on that is not yourself.

For example, last week, I had a tough week and was up 1.5#. I was/am super constipated (TMI, sorry). Coach LG’s suggestion? Well, it’s clearly the constipation, and just keep doing what you’re doing.


This week?

Well, you have been exercising a lot more than your body is used to. Your muscles are probably holding on to a lot of water right now. And it’s nearing that time of the month. And you’re still constipated. Keep doing what you’re doing, and I’m sure this is a fluke.


But I gotta wonder…does this method totally take all responsibility off me? This week, I tend to agree. I’ve been sore beyond belief and I’ve been drinking a ton of water. And my PMS is in full swing (sorry, The Boy). But if you gain and gain and gain…it can’t always be water weight or PMS.

Really, this method toes the line between reality and excuse.

What is reality?


  • Even double doses of magnesium isn’t helping my….daily rhythm.
  • My period’s due to start in about 4 days.
  • I have worked out hard 3/7 days, and done strength circuits 3/7 days.
  • I have craved salt.
  • I have tracked food, and stayed within budget, but of course can always measure more carefully.
  • This is the first week since March that I have eaten dinner every night.
  • I had four meals out this week: 2 dinners (Saturday + Sunday) and 2 lunches (Tuesday and Wednesday), plus some soft serve on Saturday, though tracked to the best of my ability.
  • I have not slept well on most nights.

And that’s the god-honest truth. What’s most important right now is being honest with myself. I have even sent nutrition screenshots to BFF to keep me on track.

I hope these are not excuses, and I hope that I AM being honest with myself. But who knows…maybe my muscles ARE being shocked and holding on to a crapton of water. We shall see.

In the mean time, I’m trying not to get wrapped up in fads. Facebook is hard. A few years ago everyone was preaching the virtues of intermittent fasting. And now–surprise, surprise–those same people are preaching the virtues of flexible dieting (i.e., If It Fits Your Macros). These sorts of people and philosophies make me SUPER uncomfortable and self-conscious. Like I’m doing something EXTREMELY wrong, and THIS IS THE ANSWER. I really don’t want to fall down that rabbit hole; while macros are important, I’m not interested in obsessively hitting each goal exactly.

The goal here is to live life, be healthy, look hot, and not obsess/encourage further eating disorders.

Triggers, man.


PS, have a great and healthy weekend, all!❤

On being humbly humbled

Fall Face Off!!
Fall Face Off is coming up....

First order of business would be Fall Face Off, which is coming up on October 29th! You’re probably wondering why I’m featuring ACF events on my blog now, so…not only do I want to see your face at that Halloween party, but I was pretty stoked that they asked me to design the poster. Hope you all like it!


I feel like I’ve transitioned back to Crossfit fairly well, especially after being gone for three full months. There are a few things that I’m slowly getting back, but will take time. My endurance is actually better (good God I actually did 50 burpees Monday at about 5:45, and didn’t die! I totally would have died a few months ago, and probably wouldn’t have finished), but I’m finding it way harder to add weight to repetitive movements, like the thrusters in Kalsu and Coe (I actually found myself using a 25# bar for that).

Monday was, what I thought, an excessively crappy day at Crossfit.

I was super stoked because deadlifts were part of the WOD. Deadlifts are my jam. There are very few movements that I’m not only confident in, but actually like. The deadlift is close to the top of that (followed in no particular order by rowing, using kettlebells, jumping rope, prowling, and GHD hip extensions). I can lift a lot in a deadlift. And you know what? It makes me feel super empowered and super strong and super badass. Last week, I PR’d a 1RM deadlift, lifting 205#. I could barely believe it.

Monday was a 3RM WOD. Theoretically, I should have been able to get my 3RM to 190# after that 205# 1RM deadlift. I warmed up with a respectable 125# deadlift, and then started adding weight. But for some reason, not only was my grip excessively sucky, but I found myself struggling immensely with something that would normally be fairly light for me. By the time I worked my way up to 165#, I couldn’t lift more than one rep. What the hell was going on? Why was my strongest movement failing me?

I nearly had a mental breakdown, right there, on the floor. I don’t like to fail. I know that it’s a natural and inevitable part of Crossfit, but it never stops feeling crappy when it happens. Thank God for Dean, who sort of picked me out of that mire. Perhaps this was just a moment that I needed to step back and reevaluate where I am, and how I can improve outside of Crossfit.

What’s been going on?

Well, I haven’t been sleeping well, for one. It doesn’t help that my bastardized sleep number bed keeps on deflating while I’m trying to sleep.

I’m always on the move, between working three jobs, school, Crossfit, and social time, I have very little quiet, private time, and that’s probably taking a toll, too.

My nutrition is good, but there is definitely room for improvement. I’ve been eating more transportable foods (e.g., jerky, yogurt, seaweed, etc.), and have been going out more (but still watching what I’m eating). I can definitely incorporate more Paleo-ish philosophy into my diet.

I’m probably super dehydrated.

Oh, and I’m in a constant state of stressed-outedness.

Monday’s stunt with the failed deadlifts was incredibly humbling, and is helping me to realize that in order to succeed in fitness and other areas of my life, I really need to take care of myself. Really. It’s not fun failing. But sometimes it serves a purpose.

At least the WOD wasn’t an entire bust. I’ve gotten into the habit of seeing a movement, getting freaked out, and then asking for a modification. The only way I even got my butt into the gym Monday was because I convinced myself I’d be able to scale the 50 burpees at the end of the WOD.

I swear to God Dean must be able to read my mind. Did he allow me to scale the burpees? Hell to the no.

I was pissed.

But let me tell you, it felt SO good to (a) not have cheated, and (b) to finish all 50 in 5:45. I thought it was going to take me well over 10 minutes to finish those. I couldn’t believe it. And I didn’t even stop.

So maybe riding my bike all over Portland this past summer had its merits…right?