–Dry the River
It’s a long, long story, and I’d rather not get into the particulars, but it’s been nearly a year since I’ve been to a Crossfit, and because of this aforementioned unbearable amount of guilt and shame, I’m not sure I could possibly go back.
It’s the same thing as feeling guilty about not eating CLEAN and organic food.
It really seems counterintuitive–you’d go to a gym to become fitter and achieve those physical goals. But there’s a huge piece of humiliation that goes along with returning to a community that already knows you, and you appear totally different, now looking different and losing lots of strength and stamina.
So even IF my schedule aligned with class schedules, and even IF I could afford a membership, would I return?
I’m not sure.
And that’s kind of sad and scary to admit, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately, and I think it’s true.
Would it be easier if I conveniently made it to a place where nobody–not even the coaches–knew me, so I’d literally be starting at Ground Zero? Maybe. But history has shown that my ego has almost always gotten the better of me, and I’d immediately try to impossibly PR lifts, and just as sure injure myself…once again.
What is the answer for me? What to do?
Again, I’m not sure.
It’s a question I’ve been grappling with for some time.
For what seemed like so long, my identity was intrinsically tied into Crossfit. When someone asked me my hobbies, No. 1 was always “Crossfit.” When someone asked me to tell about myself, I always began with, “I Crossfit” or “I’m a Crossfitter.”
So what happens when I really can no longer say that? Who am I without Crossfit? Lost and kind of alone. Secluded even further and confused about my identity.
I know it sounds silly, to be confused about WHO I AM–who YOU are–but it’s absolutely true. Who am I without the label of “Crossfit”? Well, I guess I’m a lady. I’m engaged, and I love my fiancé. I enjoy coffee. I like to snuggle. I love the beach, and I have bunions. I’m a gardener with a very brown thumb. I’m really good at hiding vegetables in food. I’m a friend, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a peacemaker, and I know too much about too many random things. I like whiskey. I love traveling. I like holding hands and laying on The Boy’s chest.
But a Crossfitter? Maybe not. And I’m ready right now to let go of the anxiety and bitterness that has come along with that separation. Time to move on, and take care of myself, not my false sense of identity.
(And in that vein, it was time to change the skin of my blog. I hope you find it easier to read now.)
I already mentioned in my return post that the last year has been absolutely nuts, full of adjustments and life changes.
Well, this week comes another ridiculous life change.
I have made the choice to leave the PhD program in which I was enrolled, and begin a new job in another week. The decision isn’t sudden by a long shot. After I earned my masters in anthropology back in 2011, school essentially made me miserable. I tried in earnest to fall in love with the new department and the research I was supposed to do, but it never happened. And anyone who’s been in a PhD program or has earned a doctorate knows that if you don’t have a borderline obsession with your research, it’s torture. That, in tandem with a…ahem…heavy handed…supervisor and advisor, I was in a constant state of stress and misery.
So, I was offered a job doing something creative with bennies to boot, and I accepted! It’s a very exciting new chapter that I am so ready to begin.
But with that comes a whole host of new things. And let’s face it: Change is tough. Over the last few years, I’ve had the luxury of a fairly flexible schedule (this job is 9 to 5 Monday through Friday, with about a 45-minute commute each way), and I’ve generally had the time to cook a breakfast, go to the gym later in the morning, come home and shower and cook a lunch, and then go to class or work in the evening. That is, I’ve had a fairly stable schedule of going to the gym and doing cooking spur-of-the-moment almost every day.
In a week, my schedule will be more along these lines:
4:45 a.m. Wake up
5:30 a.m. WOD
8 a.m. Leave for work
9 a.m.–5 p.m. Work
5:30–9 p.m. Second job (2–3 days per week)
9:30 p.m. Get home
I know I’m not alone. There are many of you out there who probably have similar grueling schedules. Right?
So…how do you make this schedule work for you? How do you pack food for an entire day away (often I have no idea how hungry I will be from day to day!)?
I worked full-time when I lived in Portland, but I never went to the gym, and I didn’t hold a second job. So I could get used to waking up early and having a longer commute, but I never made time to exercise or do much else than go to happy hours with friends. How do you all hold it together, budget your time, and still find time to go grocery shopping?
If I think of my life as a puzzle, when I’m sort of just replacing my school piece with a work piece, all of the other pieces have to fit into place, but maybe just in a different way than I expected.
And, of course, it’s going to take some adjustment. Hrmph.
So give me your tips! What should I prepare for? What helps you through? Comment below to let me know!
I’ve been thinking a lot about that question lately.
Because, while I do not suffer from chronic depression, I do go through “down” phases, often triggered by stress and/or weather. (And guess what’s going on now? School, work, money, and cloudy skies!)
So right now, I’m trying to think about what makes me happy, and to do that:
- Dexter (and really anything on premium cable…I’ll even take RHONJ)
- Holding hands
- Good conversations
- Anything at the beach
- My dog (boo-hoo, he’s in Oregon!)
What makes YOU happy? What do you do when you’re stressed or feeling down? Because lord knows more cortisol is the last thing I need right now!
Hear ye, hear ye!
A few really big announcements:
OMFG, I’m competing tomorrow in Albany Crossfit’s Fall Face-Off! What the what?! Yeah, I know! Granted, I’m on a recreational team, but I never imagined I’d ever, ever be pushing myself hard enough to be in any sort of competition. Send your good thoughts to my team of HU$TLA$: Carissa, TJ, and Scott. Or better yet, drop by and cheer us on! Fall Face-Off is going all day at Albany Crossfit, from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m.
OMFG, I’ve officially been on WW for a frickin’ year. A YEAR. As in, 12 months. Damn.
I’m not having a big to-do today (although it is exactly that anniversary), but I’m waiting just a few more days until my Crossfittaversary. Stay tuned!
Do you have an accent?
That’s what I’ve been asked recently, in what seems to be a newish Internet meme. The question is interesting to me anyway, but doubles since I do both anthropology and now apparently linguistics and ETAP, which includes bilingual studies. You know…how people talk.
So…here’s the little quiz:
If you’d like to participate, here are the directions:
Say the following words:
Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught
And answer these questions:
- What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
- What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?
- What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
- What do you call gym shoes?
- What do you say to address a group of people?
- What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
- What do you call your grandparents?
- What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
- What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
- What is the thing you change the TV channel with?